Lobcock! The Fear and Terror of Researching a Historical Novel

Lobcock! The Fear and Terror of Researching a Historical Novel

At the 2010 Readercon, I remember listening to SF author Barry B. Longyear describing how he wrote Confessions of a Confederate Vampire—The Night, a historical vampire novel set during the Civil War. The amount of dedication he put into setting the mood for writing a novel set during the Civil War was impressive, to the point of playing music from the genre, displaying artifacts on his desk, and even eating food from the era. It sounded daunting. He had performed a megaton of research, all organized into folders on his computer.

The problem is there’s not quite as much ready information floating around about the Carolina colonies circa 1701-1703. Okay, I already hear an American history major sighing in disgust. Let’s put it this way: I am not an American history expert. I would have a better chance of writing a novel about Great Britain because I’ve always been a British history fan.

In truth, it’s not so much a matter of the broad history; it’s a matter of seeking out everyday details. One huge question: what type of clothing did people wear? There’s ready info on what the rich wore, but what about the common people? What materials were used for clothing? What styles, colors, or textures were used? I never imagined that folks wore shoes crafted from wood.

Describing meals is important to me. I hate reading stories where no one eats. What food did people eat back in 1701 Carolina? What did they drink?

Then came the matter of what people lived in. What house styles were in use in 1701-1703 Charleston?

What type of insults would have filled the air? When I found a site featuring insults from that timeframe, I jumped for joy. I want to start calling people lobcocks (a large relaxed penis or a dull inanimate fellow).

Then I made the mistake of inflicting a serious wound on a character. Now I needed medical research. Talk about stomach-turning!

All this research baggage is why I was scared stupid of attempting to write a M/M historical romance. Fellow writers warned me if I screwed up a detail, a savvy reader would happily call me out on it. Readers with degrees in history would wait with daggers, studded clubs, and blunderbusses. Damn, I do love that word. Fellow writers also warned me that reviewers would cheerfully point out any mistakes, down to “well, that buckle style wasn't used until 1715, not 1701.” It made me terrified to talk about shoes, but I did!

Hell, compared to historical research, fantasy world building is easy. Let’s face it, when you world build, you call all the shots. You draw maps, name cities, determine what people, wear, eat and how they live. It’s a blast. The author is God. How fun is that?

Happily I swallowed down my historical fears and took the plunge. I researched, researched, and researched the research. The research was equal parts fun and frustrating. When I found solid, factual information, I grabbed on with both hands and changed my vague descriptions to match reality.

The result? I am proud to have written “Love in the Shadows”, a mix of a historical and contemporary romance. The historic novel is set in 1701 New York, then over 1702-1703, in the Carolina colony, Boston, and Sweden. At least the contemporary story is set only in Stockholm. I cut myself a break there. I was also lucky enough to have a Swede read the novel and point out glaring errors regarding aspects of modern Swedish culture. Many thanks to Alison and Christina for their valuable support.

A note to the 16th century Colonial History majors— please, I tried my hardest. I did. Be gentle with me.

Thanks to Charlie for having me here today! xo

Here’s the first chapter from “Love in the Shadows,” a chapter set back in 1701.

BLURB:

When history, romance, and the supernatural collide, can love triumph over all?

Opening an ancient trunk transforms Doctor Rolfe Almersson’s life. When the spiritually-sensitive academic breaks his rules about touching an article sans gloves, fierce love wells at him. The unwrapped parchment reveals a burnt diary written by Magistrate Nels Halverson. The diary documents meeting seventeen-year-old orphan Aindrias Aster in 1701. Nels describes their eventual love affair, along with tragedies and triumphs in infatuated, intimate detail.

Rolfe’s obsession with his find overwhelms him. Reading about the men’s evolving relationship influences Rolfe’s tempestuous relationship with his lover. Will the story’s romance and tragedy push Rolfe forward into romantic liberation and academic triumph, or will it ruin his life?

EXCERPT:

Afternoon, January 26, 1701, Kingston, North of the City of New York

(This is where I wish to begin my memories. I own no reason to begin elsewhere. I need to begin here. This is when my heart truly started beating.)

I stealthily raised my worn leather flask to my lips and indulged in a mouthful of inferior rum. My body needed the false comfort on this cold, miserable day. Faugh. Winter’s deadly bite ruled the day. My mind also needed fortification before I conquered the crucial matter at hand.

Blast Samuel for running off with a flirtatious doxy. Lively Samuel’s love for lasses had destroyed his dedication. I had found him at a Quaker orphanage near Philadelphia. My former clerk was adept in Latin and competitive thought, yet deep in my heart, I realized that Samuel’s destiny lie elsewhere. The sprightly youth had never displayed the proper spine to wear the magistrate’s wig. No wonder he escaped after a mere six months.

Many a day I wondered if I still had the proper spine myself. After long years as a competent yet hardly brilliant judicial specimen, did I still deserve the sacred honor? Did this sad fool deserve to pass judgment on others?

My thoughts skidded toward self-defeating bleakness. My fingers clutched the slick reins. I refrained from indulging in more drink, tucking the half-empty flask into my right saddle pouch. To arrive reeking of cheap swill seemed unwise.

I urged Bel Canto forward through the murk. My colleague Howard had warned me that St. Luke’s Home for Orphans looked more like a stone jail than a benevolent almshouse guiding young souls toward a better life. His words rang true. The lumpy stone building looked foul, almost rotten. I curled my upper lip in disgust. However, three years ago, Howard had unearthed his highly praised clerk from this establishment. Just after that, a new deacon had stepped into place. The notion worried me.

My meager funding did not allow me to hire a seasoned clerk. I had hired my past clerks from charitable institutions such as this one. Often my choices worked well for me, except for poor Charles. Damn. My heart tightened in remorse.

I refocused on my task, urging Bel Canto to the gate. During my dismount, my coat caught on the saddle. Happily no one watched my near fall from my horse. When had my life turned into a sad comedy?

I clanged the battered outer bell. The worm-eaten, stout wooden outer gate did not raise my spirits when it opened.  Curious lizard-green eyes set in a gaunt, pockmarked face examined me with suspicion. “Master Halderson?”

“At your service, sir.” I bowed. “I am here to interview my clerk candidates.”

A cringing boy scuttled out, pushed forward by the slovenly man in the doorway. He accepted my horse’s reins with trembling fingers, greeting me with a brief, frightened bow. “If you please, sir, I shall stable your horse.”

“Thank you, lad.” The poor boy acted positively browbeaten. 

A cold breeze swooped around me. I slapped down my wrinkled gray greatcoat from flapping up. A stray raindrop ran behind my collar. Typical. The miserable weather was accompanied by miserable company. The ill-kept man standing in the home’s outer doorway sparked worry in my soul. His appallingly defiant stare raised my hackles. I had done nothing to warrant such a rude welcome. If this was the teacher’s caliber here, my journey beyond New York’s energetic confines seemed useless.

The scarecrow’s reedy voice wavered between respect and mockery. Quite a verbal feat. “Welcome to St. Luke’s, sir. I’m Master Amos, teacher of numbers. Right this way, if you please. Deacon Buck will show you the selected candidates. I’m sure one will suit your legal needs.”

“Lead on, Master Amos.” We entered the dim recesses. The smell of despair, unwashed bodies, and rotting garbage assailed my nostrils. I was far from a dandy, but the bitter smell even overwhelmed my senses. I left my wet tricorn on my head. Why expose my tied-back hair to the cold dampness? This rank, foul place did not deserve my gentlemanly consideration. At least my casual day wig sat safe in my room. The infernal curly confection took forever to dry. When wet weather threatened, I ignored the need to appear proper.

We entered a dismal central courtyard. Slick brown rats rooted through a tumbled refuse pile in the far corner, dispersing only when the youth returned from stabling my horse and shooed them away. What an unhealthy sight. 

In another dreary corner of the courtyard, five youths, dressed only in patched black breeches and rough, gray, homespun shirts, stood under a sheltered area. How barbaric to make them stand in the raw cold without coats. Four appeared to be normal young men, slightly defiant, nervous, and uncertain. They shivered in the murky damp.

The fifth lad, taller than the others, stood straight as a slender beech tree challenging a mountainside’s chill snowfall. The others glanced my way. Number five stared forward in resolute determination, ignoring me with peculiar intensity. Tattered ribbon kept his long hair away from his face. Wavy lengths tumbled down his neck, imprisoned by his tight queue. The surface of his long face reminded me of rosy marble. A wild pattern of raw, red eruptions were scattered across his forehead and chin, likely caused by a mix of adolescent growing pains and poor diet.

Although I tried not to stare at him, I concentrated on his intelligent face. I realized he was my choice. Why did he appear desperate? Something in the set of his lips displayed a deep fear, and I had witnessed enough honest fear to judge the sensation in my fellow men.

Something in this hovel terrified the youth.

I studied Deacon Buck’s poorly-shaven face. Discouragement fluttered through my soul. The man looked to be a drunkard, a liar, quick to use the whip for punishment. He had probably procured his current position through patronage, not skill. Nothing surprising there. Any youth who had advanced into manhood under this creature’s tutelage could not be trusted as my clerk.

Neverthelsss, I might as well interview the lads. Perhaps before he passed on, the former Deacon had skillfully crafted the fifth lad’s mind and soul. I wished for such a glad outcome.

“Magistrate Halderson, welcome to Saint Luke’s.” The stout man possessed a whiny voice which could have irritated a saint. He grabbed my unhappy right hand, squeezing as if he intended to woo me. His filth skin felt greasy.  “I feel honored my fine establishment is still known for producing learned lads. Before you stand five candidates selected for your clerk position. They can read, write, and think.” The Deacon raked his piggish stare over my candidate with loathing. “Aye, one of them thinks a bit too much for his own good.”

Buck’s open antagonism sickened me. “I feel sure I will find a lad to suit my needs.” Despite my urge to point at the slim youth and declare I would rescue him, I queried the others in my normal fashion.  The first four boys answered in coherent sentences, yet they lacked outstanding mental abilities. Candidate one, the biblically named Joshua, displayed a severe stutter, not beneficial in public speaking. Malcolm and Guy acted too obsequious toward me. How badly had this place treated them? As he stumbled on his answers, Matthew scratched a nasty magenta neck rash and refused to meet my gaze.

My head ached in a dreadful fashion. One last chance for redemption stood before me. Number five performed a swift bow and surprised me by speaking first with nervous authority. His alert, green stare met mine. I half expected him to grasp my hands and drop to his knees.

“Sir, believe me, I am a worthy clerk for such an honorable man as yourself. Not only do I read, speak, and write fluently in English and Latin, but I also communicate in French and Spanish. My handwriting is superior and neat. My spelling is flawless.” He darted a sharp glare at the glowering Deacon before he refocused on me.

“Sir, I am accused of thinking too much, but an inquisitive mind is essential for learning. I do not comprehend the law’s sterling rule, but I am a fast study. In addition, I am healthy, I never fall ill, and I am willing to work as hard as you desire. I will endure long, hard hours serving you. In addition, sir, I feel ready to leave this place far, far behind me.” The youth’s intense words ended in a second bow. He looked down at his battered, square shoe tips. Rich, pink color stained his pale cheeks. 

My mind reeled. What an astonishingly forward speech.

Something haunted this lad enough to make him beg for the clerk’s position. Indeed, the poor boy acted no different than a shunned leper offered a king’s grand palace. I hardly considered the unpaid two-year clerk’s position a prize.

Deacon Buck snorted in reprimand. He glared as if his irritated vengeance could melt flesh. “This miserable sinner acts awfully bold for his place in life. You can tell he thinks right highly of himself. Sir, trust me, young Aster is an insufferable brat. The chit is not worthy of your important time.”

How odd. I smiled in arch reply. “Pray tell, sir, why do you present this sinful brat to me?”

The Deacon flapped his chapped lips in annoyance until he shrugged off my question. “The law requires I offer you my eldest lads for the position. This dense wretch falls into the category. I’d hardly select Aster to present to you.” The miscreant cozied up to me with physical camaraderie. I almost stepped away from his swill-tainted breath. “Listen well, sir. I warn you, he is not your choice. Mark my words, this mouthy cur’s fantasies, endless questions, and lies will make your ears bleed. Aster’s brash speech shows his shameless disposition. Is that any way for a callow bumpkin to talk to someone like you, sir?”

Buck’s crude character assassination stiffened Aster’s body. “I am not a liar, sir.” His defensive assertion barely broke a whisper.

“Did the good magistrate ask your opinion, you bold scum?” Buck lifted his grimy right hand in a threatening gesture.

The Deacon’s hand never completed its threat. If his corrupt flesh had touched Aster’s skin, I might have disgraced myself by punching Buck’s warty nose. Something evil had happened between my candidate and the Deacon. I ignored the vile man, returning my attention to my prime applicant. “Master Aster, I need to see a sample of your handwriting. Deacon, may we use a desk?”

This time the Deacon included me in his glare. My stern, cold stare devoured his mistake, pummeled it, and spat the mess into his face. I possessed a dangerous gaze, ripe with my icy Swedish heritage. I suspected Viking blood fueled my finest stares.

Buck struggled to conquer my will, but he failed. After ungraciously accepting defeat, the ogre angrily gestured toward a narrow opening across the courtyard. My cutting smile betrayed my frigid mood. We traveled down a rank hallway littered with dust-decorated cobwebs which smelled, to my dismay, worse than the fetid courtyard. Did any room in this pit smell remotely pleasant? Horrible.

Our mismatched trio entered a crowded office. The sty resembled the town dump. The sputtering oil lamp’s flicker had blackened the small paned windows. The familiar, welcome aroma of old pipe smoke masked another sinister stench, something my nostrils equated with dire rot. How fitting.

Buck slumped behind his disorderly desk. A crusty inkwell, and a few tattered quills jammed into a broken ceramic mug added to the clutter.

My nervous candidate shuffled his feet.

“What is your full name?”

“Aindrias Aster, sir.”

“What an unusual name.”

“Yes, sir, a family name given by my poor parents, may they rest in peace. Shall we start, sir?” Another respectful bow. “Let me select a quill.” Aindrias critically examined three different quill tips, rapidly dismissing them. Number four earned a thoughtful frown before Aindrias lifted the rusty pen blade and sharpened the tip.

For a second, I feared Buck might strike Aindrias for his innocent effrontery. My stern stare halted him as I encouraged Aindrias. “Excellent. A man who understands his writing quills. You have neat sharpening work.”

“Sir, I cannot abide a dull quill.” Aindrias’s words drifted toward the quill, but they also aimed for Buck’s ears. “A blunt, ill-treated tool wastes ink and time. Any instrument not kept tidy is useless.”

Aindrias stirred the ink and performed a few practice flourishes. His fingers pantomimed a beautifully light touch. He finished his preparation and nodded in approval. His gaze shyly questioned me. “What shall I write, sir?”

Without asking, I selected a clean parchment page, cleared an area on the desk, and silently dared Buck to challenge me. The lout remained quiet. “While I recite, take notes in Latin, please.”

To my satisfaction, Aindrias smiled as if I offered him heavenly solace. His pen anticipated my words. I subjugated my amused smile and spoke in my normal trial pace. Aindrias’s pen raced across the paper with graceful speed, the flow broken only for the needed ink dip. He performed the mundane task with neat precision.

I droned on about nothing in particular, glancing at Aindrias’s tidy, easily readable handwriting. Once I finished speaking, I read the written page and nodded with sincere appreciation. Every Latin word appeared correct. He performed well under stress.

Intelligent Aindrias was my perfect candidate.

His tall grace made me wonder about his true age. “How old are you, Aindrias?”

My question encouraged Aindrias to stand straighter, trying to appear older by squaring his slight shoulders under his threadbare shirt. He reminded me of a young rooster facing down an older, far more experienced cock. He hiked his pointed chin in  the air with stubborn pride. “I turned seventeen a few days ago, sir. I am plenty old enough for the job. Truly I am, sir.”

His age suited the position. My choice made complete sense to me. Unlike Charles, Aindrias would be my proud achievement.

Deep in my soul, a knowing voice straight from Hell hissed, “Wrong.” Black-winged guilt smiled and danced in bony malevolence.

Begone! I vowed to wait. I would.

I swore to myself on Charles’s sacred soul.

The act nearly brought me to tears.

(I need to break here. Writing this account is more difficult than I ever imagined. A jolt of sherry comforts me.)

Love in the Shadows from MLR Press

Marketing: A Gianormous Pain in the Ass

Marketing, marketing, marketing. Blog hops, chats, guest posts, blog posts, Facebook chats… I’ve come to the decision that marketing is a colossal, gianormous pain in the ass.

This comes from someone who used to work in marketing. The thing is I marketed something else, not my own work. To me, and I don’t want to sound disparaging, marketing one’s work is like cheerleading in a deep space void. It’s not fun. Face it, too many writers hate marketing. Not that I’d rather suffer a root canal, but to me, marketing your own novel reaches hideous levels of ouchiness. Yeah, that’s not a word. Tough. 

In this brave new world of publishing, writers need to shoulder a portion of the marketing burden. Hence the dreaded blog hop, which has nothing to do with sweet fuzzy bunnies. I’ve done intensive blog hops for my past releases. Did they help? I hope so, although with one book I probably would have had better luck standing on my front steps and yelling about the storyline. 

Which is why with my next two releases, I’m pretty much going to remain at my home base, drink, and indulge in acting silly. I have a few events scheduled, but nothing like the twelve days of hell I’ve subjected myself for past releases. My take is everything is in the hands of the beloved readers. If the book doesn’t appeal to them, no amount of shouting and jumping up and down while tossing rainbow glitter and red roses at them will make them want to read it. 

Am I jealous of writers who somehow make a book sound like the best thing invented since chocolate chip cookies even before it’s published? Hell yes. Can I make my book sound equally important? Hell no, although if people liked my books as much as chocolate chip cookies, I will not complain. Consider this my slow start-up. 

 I order you to like these books as much as chocolate chip cookies. 

 My first release with MLR Press, Love in the Shadows, will be available perhaps as early as tomorrow, September 26. Oh dear, I scheduled a blog post on October 1st. See, I’m already panicking. Here’s the pretty cover and the blurb: 

Opening an ancient trunk transforms Doctor Rolfe Almersson’s life. When the spiritually-sensitive academic breaks his rules about touching an article sans gloves, fierce love wells at him. The unwrapped parchment reveals a burnt diary written by Magistrate Nels Halverson. The diary documents meeting seventeen-year-old orphan Aindrias Aster in 1701. Nels describes their eventual love affair, along with tragedies and triumphs in infatuated, intimate detail. Rolfe’s obsession with his find overwhelms him. Reading about the men’s evolving relationship influences Rolfe’s tempestuous relationship with his lover. Will the story’s romance and tragedy push Rolfe forward into romantic liberation and academic triumph or will it ruin his life? 

 My late October release, The Gospel According to Cher — due out from Dreamspinner— doesn’t have a pretty cover yet. I expect to see a proof any minute. I can offer you The Gospel According to Cher’s blurb: 

Hindy Nardella, gallery owner and tidy leather diva, isn’t sure about love anymore. His most-recent ex-lover said “sayonara” and headed for Japan despite a week of Hindy begging him to stay. The man before that bid Hindy “namaste” before heading for Nepal seeking salvation. Hindy will accept advice from anywhere, even a tacky Cupid music box which only plays Cher's "Believe," and vivid dreams compelling him to leave NYC and head for the Adirondacks. Cupid leads Hindy straight to a leather bar in the mountains and an exotic drag queen named Patrice O'Malley. For Patrice, who’s near-perfect beauty belies his lack of confidence, it's lust at first sight, but Hindy has doubts born of his recent run of bad luck in romance. But when Patrice saves Hindy from death by a falling chunk of airplane blue ice, Cupid slams into Hindy's heart, and Hindy begins to believe in miracles again. Dangers and challenges arise, involving, among other things, crazy ex-lovers, rampaging mosquitoes, and a phantom moose. But life together awaits back in NYC, if they can survive, trust in each other, and believe in life after love. 

 There’s my slow marketing salvo. Now I want a chocolate chip cookie. Naw, I’ll stick with my wine.

Back to School Blog Hop

I have to admit, I didn’t appreciate the “back to school” concept until I went to art college. Before then, I was one of those kids who hated going back to school, no matter if it meant new clothes. Until I rebelled, my mom usually made my back to school clothes. Yeah, thrifty but not cool. Back to school also meant getting up early every day and, worst of all, gym classes. All bookish geeks regard gym classes as hell on earth.

I swore that’s why I attended art college. No damned gym classes, no math… none of that pesky brain-and body hurtin’ nonsense for me, no way.

Art college was an eye-opener for this shy geek. Everyone wandered about discussing ideas for projects and possibilities. If the grad students liked you, you ended up in their studio smoking pot while attending private critiques. Back in the day before computers, everything was done by hand, including the typesetting. Does anyone even use Letraset press type anymore? Yeah, try spelling out a headline at 1:00 AM after having been up since 6:00 AM.

The experience taught me so much. It was all about art and working in fun with the art. We lived with art while exploring the far horizons.

I always wanted to write about my art college experience using a M/M twist. All these personalities I remembered lurked around in my head, which is why I started “Cupid Knows Best” quite a few years ago. Carl Conrad, the novel’s main character, is a composite using a few different professors. I won’t name names. I’m sure someone like Carl exists in the world, only I haven’t met him yet, at least not in real life. Hell, I spent plenty of time with him as he poured out his story.

As he created his story, Carl’s obsessive nature almost drove me crazy. Marcelino Moya—the hot, sexy Argentinean wild child and object of Carl’s obsession— was crazy to write in a different way. He kept me guessing the entire time. He was out there, waaay out in the stratosphere. Marcelino kept both Carl and I guessing until the truth was revealed which cleared up the romantic uncertain to allow a happing ending.

Writing about their budding romance made the concept of back to school into a sexy something I could support one-hundred percent. I wish my college days had been that spicy.

Want to join them as they go back to school? Here’s the excerpt where Carl first sees his new obsession:

BLURB:

When it comes to his professional life, photographer Carl Conrad is at the top of his game. He molds impressionable minds at university by day and jets off to Paris for gallery showings on long weekends. Unfortunately, he pays for it with his disastrous personal life: Carl kicked his boyfriend to the curb after one too many punches, so now it’s just him and his hamsters, one of which he suspects may be a space alien.

Then Cupid takes pity on Carl and hits him where it hurts. It takes Carl all of three seconds to fall head over heels in lust with set design student Marcelino Moya, despite the man’s questionable—okay, deplorable—fashion sense. Convincing Marcelino to give him a chance is the hard part, but Carl is up for the challenge, pun definitely intended.

Marcelino plays hard to get, but he isn't immune to Carl's charms. Carl talks him around to dinner, dating, and eventually moving in. There's just one tiny word standing between Carl and perfect happiness. Why won't Marcelino say it?

 EXCERPT:

"Hello, everyone, sorry to be late. As you know, I'm Professor Carl Conrad. Wow, is everyone here for this class?" Their enthusiastic nods told me yes. Groan. "Really? Wow again. Well, let's see what's going on here."

Someone had neglected to study the student list before arriving in class. The document had resided in my e-mail in-box for weeks, but as I planned my escape from Martin, reading the names lurked low on my priority list. Usually I enjoyed examining the names and trying to imagine what a student looked like ahead of time. To my surprise, my random guesses often rang true.

Had I brought the list with me? Whoops. I fumbled through my notes and papers. Amused little smiles aimed at me. I smiled back and took the time to examine faces. A lame joke about setting a bad example by being late almost emerged when the most amazing sensation hit me.

Great googly moogly on hot buttered cinnamon raisin toast, this wild feeling felt nothing like Martin's hard fist hitting my cheek. Damn, I shouldn't have skipped lunch.

I mentally aimed my inner camera lens and focused directly on achingly delicious subject matter. My lens zoomed in and ignored everyone else in the room. Buzz, click, frame, and drool. The wild scene lasted for a split second. Everything moved in slow motion. Fascinating how the world transformed into a weird fantasy.

Yes, I had been hit in the head too many times.

Today the new lust of my messed-up life sat before me in masculine perfection.

Okay, aside from his outrageous outfit, complete with magenta socks and orange Keds, the vision embraced masculine perfection.

Boom, done. My heart's quick decision made sense to me. My cock and brain deliberated for a few seconds until they signed off on the magical contract. Master Lust stepped forward and turned Heart, Brain, and Cock into a strange version of the Supremes backing the divine Diana. They crooned in romantic urgency.

Did the manly subject matter at the other end of my lusting mental lens accept my desire? Falling in lust never seemed hard, but convincing the unaware victim he needed me as much as I desired him would provide the true challenge.

I located the wrinkled list. My waking brain operated on autopilot. My mouth opened and closed while I spoke to the students. The advanced class's basic concepts filled the air. The new students learned what I expected from their creativity over the upcoming semester.

In the background, oozing lust kept shrieking in joy while turning cartwheels in my mind. Damn, lust needed to cut its jagged toenails.

The time came to scare certain students into dropping the class before they found themselves in serious trouble. Nothing upset me more than a heartbroken student wailing in distress when I smacked a dreaded "incomplete" on them. Well, lately Martin had upset me more, but—

Lust kicked and stomped me into focus. It controlled my primitive urges. The panting ooze admired the tasty man sitting a mere five feet away from my twitching right hand. Ooo-la-la, two simple steps would allow my happy fingers to caress his tea-hued cheek. Touching his tempting flesh might be worth dismissal.

Eager lust battered my senses into mush. My opening blather concluded. I needed to begin the roll call. The desire to attach a name to the appealing man ruled me.

The alpha-ordered list refused to cooperate. The sixth name jumped out at me. The letters danced, waved, and wiggled their taut asses at me before they calmed down and resumed spelling his name. I sensed the reality. The seductive man looked like his name in a luscious manner far beyond my lust-fried comprehension.

I clapped my hands in decision. Expectant young faces regarded me with varying emotions. "Before I call the roll, time for one last reality check. Is there anyone here who wants to drop the class? If you have any, and I mean any doubt about this class, please make it easy on everyone, especially me, and bail now. Remember this is an advanced class. We'll mainly focus—hey, a little photo humor there—on learning the digital process, but if anyone is interested, we may play in the darkroom a few times. Don't let my cuddly reputation fool you; I am a stickler about deadlines. Once a project is a week late, I lop off ten grade points, which means after a month you have an F. Above all, I expect performance, dedication, and drive." I hoped that the students didn't expect the same responsible trio from me.

No one screamed, "Please, you wicked, cruel bastard, let me leave now!" I hated turning away eager students, but a seventeen-person class meant mayhem in the critique situation.

Please, mayhem in an empty classroom with a classically muscled dark body pressed close in passion suited me.

Agggh. I needed to cease waffling. Sanity slapped me to move along and finally call the roll. In a minute I'd obtain a name for the exquisite face. Excitement flushed me until I feared my pores might spring lust leaks.

I shrugged and cast my special evil grin over the poor young dears. "Okay, everyone wants to stick around for the torment? You have been warned. Time to establish who belongs before I make my decisions. Jeremy Atkinson?"

A tall slender guy with long red dreads tossed me a friendly wave.

"Jill Carlotta?"

A Goth brunette sporting too much eyeliner and enough piercings to threaten a weather balloon managed a bored nod. There sat a potential attitude problem.

I tried not to grin. "Ralph Digglestaff?"

Not the name I expected to match with the burly, bald dark-skinned dude waving at me. What a great porn star handle.

"Bill Harrison?"

A man who looked like James Dean’s long-lost love child nodded in lazy regard.

"Hello, Rachel. I guess I didn't scare you away last time."

The petite blonde woman snapped her gum and grinned. "Nope, Prof C, I am back for more."

"Brave woman."

The moment arrived in grand glory. My heart tightened in anticipation. "Marcelino Moya?"

"Right here."

Bull’s-eye. Hold on, did I hear a faint accent? My desperate-for-more-words lust pushed me. I raised a curious eyebrow toward my new erotic partner. "I guess your parents wanted to give you a memorable name." The seductive man looked like his name in a luscious manner far beyond my lust-fried comprehension.

Possibly the most sensual grin ever to grace human lips appeared. "It is a memorable name, which is helpful in the performing arts. I can't wait to see the words 'set designs by Marcelino Moya' appear for real on the silver screen." The way he rolled his name off his tongue threatened my tattered reason. His cock-stiffening grin grew wider and sexier. Now how was such a miracle possible? The man's generous mouth shape needed a "proceed with caution" warning flashing beneath the succulent skin.

Yum, my dream was a performing arts hunk possessing a subtle Hispanic accent. Deeee-licious. Yippee on high, mark me smitten to the skies. Ha, if I walked back out onto Broadway and let the mad cabbie plow me down, I wouldn't even feel the pain. Instead I'd float right over the problem held aloft by Cupid's blessed wings. The blind bow boy's arrows had pierced my heart. Now I needed to bribe him to aim at luscious Marcelino's masculine bounty.

Mmm, Marcelino. The rare name tasted fine on my tongue. I wonder what he uses for a nickname? I wonder how his full lips taste?

An alarm rang in my mind. Lust scowled in annoyance. I wondered if he was gay. Yeeeeah, sigh, my heated lust always overlooked the crucial details.

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Another Spring, Another Groundhog

Queen Groundhog made her appearance in my garden a few weeks ago. She dug out the opening to her lair to prodigious proportions, exposing pyracantha roots to the point where I feared the twenty-foot tall spiky bush might topple into the yard. It’s quite an old, vigorous pyracantha. I let it go nuts.

I recognized the same Queen from last year. She was large and quite gray in color. Last year she had resisted all forms of bait in the humane trap. Then she played her trump card; the cunning beast had birthed three babies. I felt bad trapping her after she had her babies. They were too cute. Yeah, in the fall they ate my dahlias, daisies, and other plants. At that point I had given up.

But here came the Queen in 2013, bold and destructive. Then I didn’t see her for two weeks. How odd. Soon I saw a different groundhog, much darker and smaller, occupying the cavern. No lie; the hole is like two feet in diameter. Had something happened to the Queen?

Ah, how interesting. Could I perhaps trick this new Dirt Princess into the humane trap?

I planned to set the humane Hav-a-Hart trap this past Monday, but I did not due to the pouring rain. I didn’t want to torture the critter. Today was a beautiful day. I set the trap in the shade along a path we saw the Princess use between yards. I used half of a stale PBJ sandwich from Prof Sandy’s lunch and lovely cantaloupe for bait.

I set the trap at two in the afternoon. By four, a disgruntled groundhog sat in the trap. Hey, at least the Princess had snacks.

Ever try walking a swinging cage filled with angry, hissing groundhog for like ¼ of an acre? The Princess swatted at me while she shook the cage. Groundhogs have looooong, sharp black nails and nasty teeth. I tucked the trap into the back of the Subaru (now there’s a commercial), took her to the woods, and let her run off.

Time to treat the warren with ammonia and mothballs. I have no doubt that another groundhog will move into the warren. I'll try the same menu! 

For now, this season’s score is groundhog 0, me 1. That makes me happy.

Bye-bye, Princess Cantaloupe. I hope you find your Prince.

FairyTale: A True Story — What a Great Movie!

Tonight we watched a lovely film from 1997: FairyTale: A True Story.

For some reason I searched Netflix seeking Peter O’Toole films I had missed. This film cropped up. What really caught my interest was that Prof Sandy is teaching a history of photography class, and had told me about the “fairy photo” scandal. In 1917, two young cousins in Yorkshire took photos of fairies, and being that the UK was suffering from such pain during WW1, people wanted to believe in fairy and angels.

What makes this event such a historical footnote is that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, yes, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, totally believed in these photos to the point where he wrote a book about them. The cousins remained mum until the 1980’s, when they admitted they had cut out pictures of fairies and photographed them.

No matter what, this is a brilliant film which, unless you’re made of stone, will make you cry. It’s all about believing in magic and miracles.  

Christopher Nolan

Christopher Nolan. I want to slap him and kiss him.

Memento. For that alone I will watch his movies even when he fails.

I did enjoy his first Batman flick. I hated the second one. Fuck all the huzzahs over tragic Heath Ledger’s “Joker”. The movie sucked, as did most of “The Dark Knight Rises.”

Then again I did adore “Inception.”

I thoroughly enjoyed “The Prestige.” The thing is the other movie about magic, “The Illusionist”, walloped “The Prestiege”’s ass. (Did I get that punctuation correct?)

Like I said, I want to slap and kiss Christopher Nolan. At least he keeps me watching his work.

My Life with David Bowie

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I just heard, and yes, maybe I’m a little slow on the uptake, that David Bowie has released The Next Day, his 26^th album. Amazon gift card, bring this album to me.

Bowie has always had a special place in my life for different reasons. I have my older brother Jim to thank for the introduction to Bowie. Jim never begrudged his little sister playing his records, because I was extremely gentle with them, and back in 1974, when I was 14, I dipped into listening to Jim’s Bowie albums.

Listening to them was like being hit with a bomb. Diamond Dogs was the first rumble. Hot damn. I became obsessed with the earlier albums, feeling like something spoke to me. I didn’t know why, but listening to Bowie made facing the bloodbath called junior high a little more endurable. It made this shy geek feel a little special, a little… different and strange, but on her own terms. Bowie paved the way for me in numerous ways.

In 1975, Bowie released Young Americans, a radical departure from what I had grown to love and cherish. I bravely accepted, and finally attended my first Bowie concert with two friends (one who is now my partner of maaaaany years!). A dude with a top hat offered me a joint. I was like “no!” Mainly because I had never tried pot and well, guess who sat behind me?

My older brother Jim.

My parents had given the tickets to me as a b-day present. They had, but they also wanted their little angel to have a chaperone. Smart of them. I probably still would have passed on the pot.

Bowie evolved. I evolved. High school and majoring in design at college seemed to fit in with Bowie. I felt we made art together.

I graduated college in 1982. My first job out of college was at a bathroom fixtures manufacture. I drew illustrations of how “tab a” fit into “slot b”. Hey, it was a job in my field plus I got to use “ballcock” sans irony.

In 1983, Bowie released Let’s Dance. I despised the album. What a pedestrian effort. I turned away from my Thin White Duke. We both lost focus, until 1985 when I started up a music magazine called B-Side. Much better than drawing toilet fixtures! So many musicians, so little time to cover them and never enough money.

Bowie became a distant memory. I did reconnect with him during the Adrian Belew “Pretty Pink Rose” era in 1992. What a great concert.

Then came 1995. Outside arrived for my listening pleasure. I almost stood on my head from loving what I heard. Bowie wanted to reconnect with true fans. Did our indie magazine want to interview Bowie? Hell yes we did. We decided the honor should go to our senior editor and all around goddess Carol Shutzbank. But Carol, who was only thirty-five, had just suffered a serious heart attack. Her doctor did not want her to travel. She passed the honor to me. She knew we shared a Bowie obsession.

I traveled with my partner to Los Angeles to spend two hours interviewing David Bowie. Yes, we only had like a half hour, but once we started talking about art murder, Giotto, and how much Let’s Dance sucked, we were off and running. His publicity person finally said they needed to move the remaining interviews to another day.

I felt pretty damned special. I summoned up the nerve to have my partner take a picture of me and Bowie. He looks great. I look constipated. 

Bowie graced the cover of B-Side accompanied with a long, rambling interview. We had a hard time editing for content.

Hearing that Bowie is releasing his 26^th album makes me feel pretty damned special. Bowie fans are stubborn creatures. We might not like certain flavors, but we always come back for more of his transformative magic.

As for my dear Carol, she talked with Bowie backstage during his tour with Trent Reznor, conducting her own impromptu one-on-one chat. She had a front row seat for the concert. She talked security into letting me stand up there with her. I did want to keep her safe.

Carol passed away five months after their meeting.

I bet she’s whipping up a review of the new album as I type. Go, Carol!